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Promo 500
I'm writing this as we wait for a late flight to
Boston on an airline whose logo is a pair of crossed fingers. This
is our "promo tour," a whirlwind of acoustic on-air performances
and interviews conducted in advance of our new album. Today we performed
two of our songs -- "Chemistry" and "One True Love"
-- for the very first time on acoustic guitar, bass, and bongo drums.
Walking into radio stations always presents the
issue of trying to remember all of the names and faces of the station
personnel, and the small talk you made last time you were there.
You might not have been to a station in two years, but you should
be ready for someone whose name you don't know and whose face is
utterly unfamiliar to you to walk up and say "Hey Jake, I took
your advice. Guess what? It worked! Thanks dude."
Your welcome, um . . . I think. Sometimes you get
"Jake, I'll bet you don't remember me!" If that happens
you say "Ya big lug! Of course I remember you! Hey, which way
to the men's room?"
In each major city, a member of the MCA promotional
staff picks us up at the airport and drives us from station to station.
Last tour I invented a contest called the "Promo 500."
The first promo person to drive us 500 miles in the right direction
wins. Miles were deducted for missed exits and wrong turns. It started
as a joke, however, the promo folks are fierce competitors, and
realizing it would be foolish to declare one winner and alienate
nine other people so essential to our success, we gave each of them
first prize: a toy sport utility vehicle mounted on a handsome piece
of wood with a personalized plaque commemorating the competition.
Why not give them an award? The promo folks have
a thankless job. Their day begins with a call from their boss.
PROMO BOSS: How's it going kid?
PROMO PERSON: It's all good.
PROMO BOSS: Any word on "A-S-S Spells Ass" yet?
PROMO PERSON: Um, well not yet.
PROMO BOSS: That song is a smash. A SMASH! Tell him to play
it and DON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER!
Five minutes of hyperventilating later, the promo
person then calls the program director at the radio station in question.
PROMO PERSON: Hey, what's up dude.
PROGRAM DIRECTOR: Not much. What's that piece of crap song
"A-S-S Spells Ass" you sent me?
PROMO PERSON: Well, it's--
PROGRAM DIRECTOR: Tell your boss WE DON'T PLAY THAT KIND
OF STUFF! If you want me to play your records, bring me a song like
"You're Just An Ass Like Me." GOT IT?!
Now there's no choice but to call back the promo
boss.
PROMO BOSS: Hello?
PROMO PERSON: He said he can't wait to play "A-S-S Spells
Ass"
PROMO BOSS: Good, 'cause I'm playing golf with him next week.
PROMO PERSON: I mean . . . I'm pretty sure he's gonna play
it.
PROMO BOSS: Don't let him weasel out.
It's like having a career as a middle child. No
thank you.
Anyway, for the most part we've traveled in the
right direction this week. Paul, Lisa, and Diane have prodded us
for early Promo 500 mileage stats, but it's not that simple. I've
decided to make this year's Promo 500 a triat hlon: one third of
the points will be awarded on the basis of efficient driving, one
third on the basis of legroom in their vehicle, and one third on
where they take us for lunch. As you can see, the calculations will
be difficult.
And now onto Boston with fingers crossed.
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