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Reading on the Road - September 1999
As I have reported in other road diaries, we spend
a lot of our time on the road reading . . . or at least trying to
read. Dan and John wisely choose stories of adventure and page-turning
suspense. Captain Spinnaker and the Battle of Cape Thunder. At the
end of a tour, they've read ten books each and feel wonderfully
entertained. My approach has been less successful for reasons which
will soon be obvious.
In the past years, I have surveyed my knowledge
of history and the "great books of all time" and, no surprise,
found that my knowledge consists mainly of holes. Furthermore, I
am keenly aware that the world has a small but ready supply of people
who can toss their heads in mock amazement and say "What?!
You haven't read Plato's Republic?!! And you call yourself educated?!"
No, I haven't read Plato's Republic. No, I don't
call myself educated, but somehow encounters with these snobs have
terrorized me to the point where I now feel like a soccer goalie
defending a mile wide goal against a team of tweed-coated know-it-alls.
"What? You haven't read the ancient Greeks?!" Goal! "Haven't
read A Tale of Two Cities?" Goal! "The Scarlet Letter?"
Goal! Half-time score: Jake - 0, Team Tweed - eighteen bookshelves
and counting.
Speaking of those eighteen bookshelves of books
I haven't read, I have an important announcement: PLEASE DON'T E-MAIL
ANY BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS TO ME! Somehow discussing this particular
endeavor with friends prompts them to add even more required reading
to my self-imposed lifetime homework assignment. It's not that I
necessarily love to read. I just have a lot of ass covering to do,
and I don't want to know that the ass in question is even larger
than previously feared.
Me: I don't know. It's like with each book
I read I fall further behind.
Friend: Kind of overloaded?
Me: Yes, overloaded.
Friend: Hmmmmm . . . What about 'Gravity's Rainbow?' That's
a must!
Thanks dude. "Gravity's Rainbow" is a
long and punishing novel by Thomas Pynchon. It overwhelms most who
attempt to read it. (I made it through page 28.) Thus the few who
have finished it feel they have earned the right to lord it over
the rest of us by "recommending" it. This is like going
to the swimming pool and saying to a fellow swimmer "I thought
I knew what swimming was all about . . . then I swam the English
Channel. Ahhhhhhh . . . the English Channel . . . now THAT's swimming."
Not that I don't buy into the logic of the snobs.
If someone gives me a copy of 'All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned
In Kindergarten' and says "Jake, I read this and thought of
you," I think "Why the hell did you think of me? I'm not
wasting my time with that crap. I still haven't read 'Gravity's
Rainbow!'"
Some highbrow is probably waiting to stand up and
insist that all of this reading should be done for enjoyment --
as if reading the ancient Romans is as much fun as slurping down
a chocolate milkshake. It's more like eating a wheelbarrow full
of spinach, but that's the price you pay. After all, if what you
want is a profound commentary on life brimming with drama, flavored
with a subtle wit, and fueled by the power of the imagination, you
can always watch The Simpsons. If, however, you want to achieve
a greater sense of ignorance, alienation, and a deep-seated rage
aimed at those who were never impressed with you no matter how hard
you tried -- if those are the things you want and you are willing
to do whatever it takes to get them, then you will find the classics
richly rewarding.
So I keep myself occupied. Meanwhile, I hear Dan
and John gasp as they flip through page after page of action like
this:
"'Now!' said the captain. 'Fire!' cried Jenkins,
and a thunderous roar erupted from the ship's deck as all twenty
cannons pounded the French vessel, snapping its mast and ripping
through its hull."
All of this has no bearing upon Semisonic fans except
perhaps to explain why it is that Dan and John look so pleased in
our pictures while I look slightly pissed off. For the record, I
was once far better looking than either of my bandmates.
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