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A Day in Jake's Life on the Road - Sept. 1998
As we are often asked what life on the road is really
like, I thought I'd give you an idea of a typical day on our August
tour of the nations finest amphitheaters with Matchbox 20 and Soul
Asylum.
7:30 am -- Incredibly loud screeching of
bus brakes signals our arrival at the next concert location.
7:40 to 8:50 am -- I try to go back to sleep
8:50 to 9:20 am -- Can't fall asleep but
too lazy to get out of bunk
9:21 am -- Get up, gather fresh clothes and
shaving kit, step off bus in search of showers, told that showers
aren't ready yet, return to bus, get back in bunk and lie there
for 40 seconds before deciding to get back up and eat breakfast.
9:30 am -- Go through catering line, emerge
with a plate full of food.
9:32 am -- Finish eating, can't remember
whether or not food was good. Start to read book with impressive
title.
9:35 am -- Stop reading book with impressive
title and play stupid game on new cell phone instead.
9:37 am -- Quit stupid game on cell phone,
check home messages. (None) Repress subconscious realization that
checking messages is kind of a stupid game too, except it costs
more.
9:40 am -- Excruciating boredom. Set out
to find a towel and a shower. Success.
9:45 am to 9:54 am -- Shower and shave
9:55 am -- Careful hairstyle adjustment perfected
through the years.
9:56 am -- Feel vague sense of disappointment
now that there's nothing to do for the next three hours. Pick up
book with impressive sounding title.
10:00 am -- Get mad at self for always choosing
books with impressive sounding titles.
10:10 am -- Other band and crew members begin
to emerge from the bus with cowlicks rising at angles that would
demand explanations from anyone outside of the rock business. Mild
unease until the caffeine addicts have placated their homicidal
rage with a cup of coffee.
10:30 am -- After three more failed attempts
to make progress in hefty book, get back on the bus to hear theme
song from "The Price Is Right" coming from the TV in guitar
tech Toby's bunk. This serves as a brief reminder of why I try to
read important sounding books.
10:30 am to 10:48 am -- Sit on bus while
Toby shouts from behind his bunk curtain, vainly trying to correct
the inaccurate bids made by unworthy contestants. Toby's contempt
peaks when one contestant, ignorant of basic Price is Right strategy,
fails to bid $1 for the grandfather clock for which everyone else
has overbid.
10:53 am -- Toby emerges from bunk, disgusted
with the poor bidding skills of the contestants of the late 1990's.
"Why I remember when showcase contestants would routinely bid
within $100 of the actual retail price!!! What's this country coming
too?" Toby steps off bus muttering something about the decayed
state of the American mind.
10:55 am -- Sound engineer Brad steps onto
bus comparing wherever we are unfavorably with Kansas City, his
home town. Points of comparison include barbecue, college basketball,
and the driving skills of the local population.
11:05 am -- John and Dan back on bus.
John: "Hey Man"
Jake: "Hey Man"
Dan: "Oooooh"
John: (Yawns)
Dan: "Hey Man."
11:10 am -- Tour manager Chris appears to
tell us about the rest of the day. Fluent in midwestern understatement,
Chris can make the most extreme circumstances sound fairly routine.
Example: "Sooooooo . . . guys, got an outbreak of Ebola here
at the venue . . . wanna try to keep you on the bus as much as possible.
. . If you do get infected, probably try to get you to the quarantine
area and wait for the onset of symptoms. . . Guess there's no real
treatment available. I'll confirm that later. In the meantime, write
out your next of kin information on these sheets of paper. Also,
Dan, don't forget you've got a phone interview in ten minutes"
11:06 am -- Having heard about days activities
(no outbreak of Ebola), I turn on TV, search for the program menu
and identify time and channel for next episode of "Law and
Order," a religious obligation for various members of the band
and crew.
11:08 am -- Step off of bus to explore concert
venue grounds
11:10 am -- Realize that this amphitheater
is just like all the other amphitheaters -- except for Red Rocks.
("You guys are going to Red Rocks? Well, you're in for a reeeeeeaaaaaaal
treat!") Also, with all of the parking space available in the
staff lot, why is the only car in the lot parked underneath the
basketball hoop? Watch John make a polite inquiry into getting the
car moved only to receive over dramatized sighs expressing inconvenience.
11:15 am -- Swing by catering to ask what
time lunch is served.
11:16 am -- "Jesus! What am I going
to do for the next hour and fourteen minutes?!!!!!"
11:17 am -- Peer out of corner of eye at
the impressively titled book.
11:18 am -- Nyeaahh.
11:19 am to 12:28 pm -- Mysterious hour and
eleven minute gap of which there is no recollection.
12:29 pm -- Where did the morning go??
12:30 pm -- First in line for lunch. Pile
plate high with food.
12:32 pm -- Finish lunch, look at watch,
leave catering area. Ask catering staff person what time dinner
is. Get answer. Look at watch again.
12:33 pm to 1:00 pm -- Lie in the back lounge
of the bus trying to think of a self-improvement regimen that will
make use of all the down time on the road. Then get out cell phone
and play stupid game again. Then check messages. (None) Open curtain.
Look outside. Close curtain. Band or crew member asking for help
with something. "I'm busy."
1:00 pm to 5:00 pm -- Local record company
radio promotion representative swings by to take us to local stations.
Required equipment for promo rep:
a) A sport utility vehicle
b) No idea how to get to the station
c) The words "Let's see . . . I've done this once before .
. ."
c) A cell phone & the phone number of the station.
On our way to the station, the promo rep has to
prepare us for the approaching interviews by getting us to wake
up and start talking. This is kind of like trying to start a lawnmower
in a pond. Valiant persistence, however, pays off. We begin to talk
about sports, politics, or perhaps I am asked about the impressively
titled book I'm "reading." Having memorized the reviews
printed on the dust jacket, I can provide a response convincing
enough to stave off further questions.
We go to a few radio stations. The experience varies
wildly depending on the station and the interviewer. Usually we
get asked something like "So, being on the road! I'll bet you
guys have some great stories, eh? . . . Guys? . . We'll be right
back with Semisonic after this break."
On our return trip to the concert venue, the promo
rep tells us:
a) "That was great."
b) "You guys are great."
c) "Check out my new cell phone. It's got some really cool
games."
d) "OK now let's see here, do I want route 56 North or Business
56 West?"
After a while, I start playing with the electric
windows. John looks at me. I stop playing with electric windows.
5:00 pm to 5:30 pm -- Back at venue. Get
on the bus, find Matt, our monitor engineer, playing a video game
on the television in the back lounge. In this game, which I still
don't understand, a rabbit runs through a forest, hopping over tree
stumps and elves, kicking yellow boxes which explode, and jumping
improbably high on and off of bridges and walls on his way to doing
. . . well I'm not sure, because after two minutes of watching the
video rabbit run, hop, kick, and jump, I'm not only confused but
slightly nauseated and have to leave. Search the bus for my hefty
book. Find it five minutes later, pick it up, step off the bus and
head straight for catering where dinner time is fast approaching.
5:31 pm to 5:35 pm -- Pile food onto plate,
eat it and read next eight sentences out of book. Reread sentences
seven and eight. Replace bookmark. Sit in a state of confusion and
leftover scholastic guilt. Then overcome by laziness, head back
to bus .
5:36 pm to 6:30 pm -- Front lounge of the
bus. Channel surf, periodically confirming "Law & Order"
showtime. Dan walks on bus.
Dan: Has anyone seen my glasses?
Jake: . . . uh-uh . . .
Lawyer on TV commercial: . . . you or anyone you know has been injured
. . .
Dan: Toby?
Toby: (Shouting from back lounge) Did you look in your glasses
case?
Lawyer on TV commercial: . . . since 1979. If you feel you've been
wronged .
(Brad steps on bus)
Dan: Brad, have you seen my glasses case?
Brad: No, did you look in your red knapsack?
Young female client of lawyer in TV commercial:
. . . and then retracted his invite to the prom. Left without a
date, I had no choice but to contact Swineman and Associates . .
.
(John steps on bus)
John: When the hell is that guy gonna move
his car from under the basket?!
6:30 pm to 7:20 pm -- Get dressed and warm
up for show. I have five light blue shirts, and three pairs of black
slacks. Somehow, choosing the right combination for any particular
night takes a fair amount of rumination. Then, suddenly realize
that I have other options: What about the nice black shirt and the
bone colored slacks? Put them on and stand in front of the closet
mirror looking confused.
John: What's up?
Jake: Well . . . I'm just wondering how this looks.
Dan: What about your light blue shirt and black pants?
John: Yeah, light blue shirt and black pants.
Dan gets out an acoustic guitar for vocal warm up.
This consists of first deciding which songs we need to run through,
and then running through none of those songs. Just as we come upon
a section that needs work, Chris comes to tell us it's time for
the show.
7:25 pm to 8:00 pm -- Showtime. Exhilaration.
Life and death battle with guitar, bass, drums, and keyboards. Complete
communion with audience. Apocalypse. Rapture. Heavenly high. Flames
of Hell.
8:01 pm to 9:00 pm -- Sit on the bus watching
TV.
Dan: Anyone seen my red knapsack?
Jake: . . . (Changing channels) . . . nope . . .
Dan: John?
John: (Flipping through pages of magazine) . . . nope . .
. Jake? Mind if I read your book?
Jake: .(Still changing channels) . . . Fine . . . Don't lose
my place . . .
Dan: (Emptying entire contents of closet) Whose golf clubs
are these?
John: . . .(Scanning page one, confused) . . . Those are
mine . . .(Handing back book to Jake) Here you go. . . The bookmark
fell out. . . I think it was on page three.
9:00 pm to 11:00 pm -- Catch some of the
Soul Asylum and Matchbox 20 sets. Players from both bands mingle
backstage. Their niceness is natural and beyond reproach. Those
who watch the mingling hoping for juicy gossip for road diaries
feel a deep sense of loss. Readers of road diaries feel sense of
outrage.
11:00 pm (sharp!) -- On bus for broadcast
of "Law & Order" in the back lounge. Frantic chatter
and last minute popping of microwave popcorn settles down into reverent
silence as the show's intro begins. Wide eyed viewers stare at the
screen, trying to find their mouths with handfuls of popcorn, longing
for justice.
Unnamed band member: (Walking into back lounge)
What's going on here? First Church of Law & Order: shhhhhhh
. . .
Unnamed band member: Oh, a little Law & Order eh? First Church
of Law & Order: SHHHHHHHH!
Each commercial break brings a resumption of natural
breathing and hurried trips to the bathroom. If the episode concludes
with the acquittal of a guilty person, justice withdrawal sets in.
With shaky, sweaty hands we tearthrough our collection of video
tapes in search of a pre-taped L&O episode to pop into the VCR.
And this time the defendant better be found guilty.
1:00 am -- The bus pulls out. Passengers
overly confident of their ability to stay awake for the next two
hours sift through the video collection. Suffering from the illusion
that they will now finally watch the movie they've been waiting
all week to see, they make the mistake of turning out the lights,
getting under blankets, and propping their heads up on soft pillows.
Deafening gunfire lights up the screen as eyelids close and then
open to 85% of their previous openness. Cars crash through crowded
restaurants as the first snores rise from the mouths of sleeping
viewers. It's hopeless. By the time the nuclear warheads have been
launched, the snorers are in the majority. No one is awake by the
time the world is destroyed, or saved, or whatever. Another great
ending goes to waste as the bus rolls down the road.
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